It's grocery shopping today, so out and about. On Saturday when defrosting the windscreen, Sabriena noted that we had no windscreen wipers, so after a bit I diagnosed that the fuse had blown. I suspected that it blew because the wipers were frozen to the screen and had caused too much drain, however that proved to be wrong. I had replaced the fuses on Saturday, and they were blown again this morning - with no frost whatsoever.
Replaced again - hey, defects sometimes happen - and started driving, about 200m down the street from our house - snap. Gone again, this time the wipers weren't even going! Getting home after shopping was fun, as it started raining.
After a cursory web search I had my suspicions, and they turned out to be correct... it's apparently popular on these models for the rear windshield motor to come loose, rub on the connections and short the "always live" 12VDC cable, which blows the fuse (rear wipers aren't separately fused) and causes everything to stop working.
Sure enough, after popping the rear interior panel off, I found the short. Since our rear wiper motor isn't currently working, I just disconnected it and taped up the plug to ensure it won't short again, replaced the fuse and everything thus far is fine.
However we do have some other suspect electrical issues, as the radiator blower fans stayed on after I turned the engine off as well, until I moved the relay under the bonnet. God damn it.